Here’s an interesting fact I read recently:  Parents today have less opposition to their adult child marrying someone of a different race than they do their adult child marrying someone of a different political party.

That is very encouraging news when it comes to interracial marriages but is greatly concerning when it comes to our politics today.  

It means the political chasm today has become too great.  It means that we have essentially stopped talking to “the other side.”  It means that the opposing political party has become so demonized in people’s minds that the idea of one’s adult child marrying someone of that political persuasion simply doesn’t compute.  It is a full stop when it comes to parental approval.  Of course, couples don’t need that approval to be married but it is symptomatic of the difficulties some families face today.  

We see the polarized political divide play itself out daily in the news but I’m not sure that we appreciate how painful it can be when it plays itself out in families, too. 

By and large, parents pass their politics down to their kids.  Not always, but most of the time.  Kids may soften especially strident views of their parents but most families remain pretty much on the same page.  There is no accounting for love, though, and when a new person who holds opposing views enters the scene it can upset expectations and assumptions.  It can even generate anger.

While I have, thankfully, not had to deal with this dynamic in our family I know some of you have.  It may come in the form of a new person in your child’s life or it may be a relative that you grew up with who holds views that are diametrically opposed to yours.  If this does describe you, here are a few suggestions:

Listen more than talk.  It can be hard to hear political views that cut against your grain but try to be respectful.  Try to be, as they say, “more curious than furious.”  You’re not being asked to change your views and you shouldn’t ask them to change theirs.  Do what you can to understand where they are coming from and how they got to their perspectives.

Try to find some common ground.  Most Republicans and most Democrats will agree that there are extremist elements in both of their respective parties.  This, in itself, can be a point of agreement.  If nothing else, you can offer: “I agree that this is a difficult issue.”

Ask questions.  This makes the other person feel heard and may lead to some common ground.  Phrasing the question is important, though.  Asking “Why are you a Nazi?” will get you nowhere.  Asking “Is there any gun legislation that you’d feel comfortable with?” can open a door.  

Finally, share your perspective.  The best way to do this is to make it personal.  Frame it as part of your story.  That way, it’s not “I know more about this than you do!”  It is more along the lines of “My business is really struggling because of these regulations.”  Or “I’m in a job I hate because I have no other health care options.  That’s why I feel this way.”

In the end, “agreeing to disagree” may be as good as it gets but at least the lines of communication stay open and respect and even love are still possible.  In truth, if enough of this kind of talking and listening happens on the small stage of family life, it can help shape our common life on the big stage of policy making and a shared social vision for the future.

See you in church,

–Rev. Dominic